maybe i think too much.

Usually I'm not one to care, but sometimes, I really wish I was more stereotypically girly than I am. Although I may love makeup and I spend more time blow drying/straightening than any human should, in my thought process, I'm just not that, well, girly I guess.


I never ever let it get to me until the last couple of weeks, where a couple of amazing events occurred that sent me over the moon and made me feel like I was going to die of a heart attack because I was just that happy. I guess I've just realised that I'm sick of this 'I'm so strong' part of my personality. I don't really know why I developed like this. I have very clear memories of slapping people when they'd tease me as a child, and defending myself and my friends when people would pick on us, but I always assumed that most children reacted to things in that way, and that I wasn't especially tough. They mean well, they really do, but everyone tells me how much of a hard-ass I am all the time. I'm really starting to wish I wasn't like this. Part of me takes pride in it. Part of me hates it.


I'm sure I've been made that way for a reason. I am absolutely certain that someday my lack of undisguised emotion will help me through circumstances where someone less than 'a pillar of strength' (not that I'd call myself that, exactly) will crumble and burst into tears, but I would love to be slightly softer. A 'hopeless romantic' for all things breathing, if you will. 


I still feel, dream, and love like a normal person. Perhaps for me, expressing my true self and my own emotions will be something I acquire with maturity, rather than something I was just born with. Maybe this is the reason I feel a little bit different to everyone else. Or maybe its more than that. Eh.


I hate the amount of times I say 'I' in this blog. Apologies.