without fail.

over the last four weeks or so i've been doing a lot of thinking. mainly about my lifestyle choices, the people i know, the people i don't but should, my faith, my goals, all of that. i began to question why i follow christianity, and why i chose to do so in the first place. i thought about if it was worth me continuing on with it, or whether i should just drop it all and act as everyone else. however this thought made me uncomfortable, so then i began questioning that.


i haven't been a christian for a very long time at all in comparison to some, and i'm not from a christian family. i started looking at how i became to be one, and how my life changed. turns out i'm a totally different person now to the person i was about eighteen months ago before i was 'saved'. however, that's a whole different story.


then i started thinking "what if none of this is real?", but the fact is, if it isn't then i will have lived a happy and full life regardless, however i am sure within myself that there is a God, and he loves us more than we'll ever know. i can't deny it, not even if i tried. without knowing God, i wouldn't have any plan for my life. to some people, this may sound absolutely ridiculous but it's true. but again, that's a different story.


i'm not trying to preach at people, i'm not trying to force people into Jesus, because i know what that's like. i'm also aware that having religion shoved in your face is absolute crap and no one likes it. but i created a blog to write here what matters to me, and this definitely does.


for those of you who know me well, i know that sometimes i slip up and i'm probably not the best example of a typical christian. i say things i shouldn't, sometimes i act how i probably shouldn't, i swear like a sailor, and often things get too distracting for me to pick up a bible, if i'm honest.  but i'm not trying to stick to a set of rules, just be in a relationship with God.

without fail, whenever i'm down, he picks me up like no one else can, and he continuously does so, regardless of how much i screw up.

-

"i can do all things through christ who strengthens me."

one of my dearest friends showed me this song yesterday. it sums up why i am a christian, and it moves me deeply. in fact, this is the reason i started writing this entry, i just wanted to post it here, then i started crapping on. sorry guys :P haha.

but here it is. not my favourite ever, but it means something to me, and thats all that matters 

:)

anyway, i hope you're all having a great week, sorry for my recent depressing posts. life gets to me sometimes. haha. x

monty, i'll miss you.

my puppy got put down today, rather sad, but it didn't really hit me until about an hour ago when by default i lowered my hand next to the couch holding a quarter of my unfinished piece of toast, expecting a cold wet nose to shove under my hand, grab it, chew on it like a maniac, and then growl at me for more. now i'm noticing all these little things that won't be the same. 

right now i don't have my personal foot warmer. i don't have someone knocking on my room door to get in, and the next minute to get out, then in again. theres no one to go skitz at my friends when they enter the house. theres no one to rough up and entertain me when i'm here by myself. no one to suck up to me when i'm crying and try to lick the tears off my face. theres no one to let outside when that bloody black cat comes into the back yard, to chase it away. no one to act as an alarm and make noise every time a person walks past the house. no one who'll sneeze at you on purpose just because they want your attention or a hug. no one to sit in the most inconvenient places and fall asleep there. but most of all, theres no dog in my house, and i'm here alone often. my poor little boy.

i feel stupid, because i'm aware most people will be like "he was just a dog.." and yeah he was, but he was lovely, and i'm pretty cut.

so thankyou monty, for ten years of awesomeness. i loved you heaps, and you'll be sorely missed. x

they call him crazy eyes monty.

my dog, monty, is critically ill. i just came back from visiting him, and seeing your dog out of sorts, depressed, and on a drip is one of the saddest sights ever. 

i feel bad that i feel sadder about this than i have about the death of people i know, and monty's still alive. but dogs really are mans best friend. think about it. generally, they (and most other animals) are far nicer than people. few of them hurt intentionally (except for food and defence), physically and emotionally, and they're there when you need a hug. his condition worries me. the poor little dear.

i hope he pulls through. he really is the biggest, cheekiest sweetheart. and i love him to pieces.

lets change things up a little.

Beauty - a combination of qualities such as shape, colour or form that pleases the aesthetic senses, esp. the sight : "I was struck by her beauty"

Although some (or many) might say beauty is fleeting, it has become something of which in the modern world as i see it has made vastly more important than things which should be a higher priority. I'd like to say i've been strong enough not to think this way, but i haven't. It doesn't make me unhappy at all, but more motivated to make myself more beautiful by being healthy and a genuine person. The way i'll do this is by making myself toned and more comfortable in my skin (five kayy gee to go, behbeh), stop being so judgemental and picky, and stop talking about people in a way in which i wouldn't want to be talking about.

Naturally, every rule has its exception, but I will stick to this otherwise. 

When thinking about this I thought to myself "why should i want to change my appearance and my mindset?" After thinking about it for a while, I was half pleased, and half not with my answers. My first reason was "because I don't want to be seen how I don't want to be seen." and by this I mean by other judgemental people, and by the opposite sex (as depressing as that sounds when i read it back to myself). I figure if I feel better about myself, not only will I have the self-confidence of an awesome person, but I might think better about others also.

Second reason? To be freakin' fit in case of an emergency. I'm already somewhat fit, but not as fit as I'd like.

Thirdly? I want to look like a babe in a swimsuit I'm buying ;D

Call me shallow, but that's the way it is for women nowadays, and its particularly bad for people in this age group. I figure you're only here once, so might as well be happy with the skin you're in. I guess the sad thing is that people just can't treat people the same if they look different.

But this post wasn't meant to be sad, it was meant to psyche myself up for a little self improvement. Now all I need is the discipline to stick with it. I know I probably just contradicted myself a thousand times, but whatever, we'll see how it goes :)

eff.

writers block. you suck.

i can't write anything at all, thanks to you.

blog, music, lyrics, my art diary, i'm even having trouble texting today.

so thankyou for ruining my plans for this evening. i will paint my nails instead, maybe play some flute.

 it will be very, very productive. just you wait.

irritation.

feeling like you've lost your freedom is the worst. though i have only experienced that on a small scale tonight, i feel for people captured in wars, children who's lives have been robbed from them, even those in jail, but only the slightest bit, as i know they're meant to be there.


being a teenager is great and i don't see why people complain about it so much, but it does have its shitty moments. well not really, but knowing i'm just one year away from 'adulthood' and not being able to do what i want to with absolute freedom is pretty irritating. 


ah well. i'm close. ish. woo.

the fine line.

there are two particular issues on my mind at the moment. really, they're the same problem, but they're haunting me as two separate things. i won't reveal the issue exactly, but it seems my way of thinking has dumped me in a huge, tangled "mind-web" that i've spun myself. 

if you've read the entry i wrote before the previous, its the same thing, except over the last two days its become more prominent the more i speak it out, even though i've only told one person. a completely disinterested party who wouldn't tell a soul. the more i think about it, the more i head where i don't want to, but i can't stop. i always have this same problem.

the two issues i face have a fine line between the two. its like a tightrope, and i'm cautiously taking more steps towards the place i don't really want to go. i have many reasons not to go there, and i've ran a pro's and con's list through my head, however the pro's and con's balance each other out. 

i'm stuck. i can't tell the people i usually would. i can't do anything about it but sit here and wish that sometimes, just sometimes, i didn't have to over-think. 

sit back and hold on.

i didn't really want my blog to have a particular theme, but it looks like its shaping up to be around music. the point is, i'm sitting here listening to this song i started off hating and now i love it. the more i listen to it, the happier i feel and the more it resonates within me. 

its called "everything's magic" by angels and airwaves. i really identify with it, and its kinda one of those songs anyone could identify with, the whole world even. WHOA potential corny situation developing. gross.

the point is, you should check it out, cause i love it, and its the story of my life. haha.

but seriously. it really is.

:)

and if you don't like it, well, whatever. haha.

plain and simple.

the internet is boring tonight. 

i'm too tired to attempt writing with intelligence, so i'm going to express myself bluntly, and its gonna be freakin great.

i don't know what's going on lately. i'm confusing myself. i don't want to think like i do, about people and things. or act like i act, even though i dig who i am, somewhat. and i'm pretty pissed off my hair's turned pink. if i wasn't exhausted i wouldn't be thinking like this, but i am, wayhey.

so yeah, thats basically it. 

i really am happy though.

:D

i love everyone.

even you.

or do i?

-shifty eyes-

i have goals. werd.

i don't really know how to say what i'm thinking of at the moment, so i'll start of with a question that will probably fuel some sort of half readable blog entry.

what is it that makes us want to do the things we do? not the stupid things like, wanting to sit in a particular spot or to hear a particular tune, but the things that are a big deal. like life goals, things we want to achieve.

it seems often what people want is built in their dna. sometimes its because it runs in the family, because of influence at a young age or something similar, but when it comes out of nowhere? i don't know.


a friend of mine was telling me earlier about how he would be willing to drop his dreams if something else came his way. something big that would impact the world. i don't know how willing i'd be to do this, and i don't know if that's selfish of me. as i mentioned in a previous blog, i'm a christian. so obviously i believe that God has a major part in telling us where to go and what to do, whether you're religious or not. i often wonder if its possible for me to change his plan with my actions, or if hes planned my life and thats that. i could go further into this point, but i won't because the fact is, i'm lazy. haha. 


but where do goals/dreams come from? how do we realise them? i know i want to do something with music. i want to lead worship but i need another job too, obviously this won't provide a steady income for me. i was thinking about being a music teacher, i'd also love to be in a band, but i don't know that that will happen. the whole shebang's pretty interesting to me. interesting that no one in my family is musical except me and my brother. interesting that i'm the only religious person. 


i actually have no idea what point i'm trying to get across right now. i'm too tired. i guess my main point is:

i want to achieve something and be remembered when i'm gone. something big. lets see what happens huh.

north to south east to you.

at the moment, my favourite song is by a guy from sydney:

jonathan boulet - "north to south east to you".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7uenNmVUQIQ         <-- get that into you.

i don't know what it is about it, but i generally have a new favourite song song every week. this one's been around for quite a while now.

perhaps its because i picture the film clip in my head every time i hear it. perhaps its because its not overplayed. perhaps its the simplicity of it, or the way it builds. it could even be the lyrics, in fact it probably is. 

i always wished i could write simple, yet amazing lyrics, much like this guy can, but i can't. mine always turn out overly descriptive or poetic, i hate it. funnily enough, my blog so far is the complete opposite of what i just said. then again, this isn't a song is it, twat :)

the point is, there's this one particular line in this song that gets me every time, and it sits within me for ages every time i hear it. i'm thinking i'd like to get it tattooed on me at some point. damn you tattoo laws.

"everything else doesn't matter as long as we don't care."

i want to be carefree. i want to live my life to its fullest capacity. i want to run from the rain, roll around in a wheat field, wear what i want, eat as much junk food as possible, say whatever comes to mind, fall in love, fall out of love, make mistakes, be stupid while i'm young, learn from it, start again, screw up, start again, work it out, live. 

i don't want to care about anything but life. i want to live by that statement. another thing i can't understand is why anything else would matter in the first place. the one thing about life that frustrates me is how obsessed with others' opinions people are. i'm not saying i'm not guilty of this, but the world we live in has developed this way of being that says we have to be like someone else to fit in. 

i've made a decision tonight: i'm not going to care anymore. because then maybe, nothing else will matter, and i'll be free to live how i please.

freedom. total freedom.

we've got to get out.

i have nothing to say.

one would think if they were to write a blog, they'd have something to talk about.

well, i don't. in fact, the only reason i started writing this is because i was bored at 12.39 on a wednesday morning. i have no idea where to begin, or what to say for that matter.

perhaps i should give potential readers some fun facts about myself?

my name is jessica. i'm sixteen, nearly seventeen. i live in canberra, its boring and i want out. i have many things i want to do with my life, and as soon as i finish school at the end of next year, my "adventures" will begin.

i want to move to sydney. when i go there i'll hopefully be living in a totally new place with people i don't know. i plan on going to bible college, judge me if you please. why? i don't know. i just strongly feel i should for a year. i'll be studying music. and then some.

i think differently to the majority of people, and react differently to certain situations than others. i'm never angry, though having said this i probably do have a bit of an attitude problem. however, i don't really care, as i don't want to get walked all over.

i'm passionate about few things, but they're all important to me like you wouldn't believe. my friends, my family, my music, my clothing, my jesus. these may be the only things i care about, but they make me who i am.

i've been through a fair bit, but without the things i've experienced, i reckon i'd be a totally different person. i love my life the way it is, but i'm ready to mix things up a little.

i don't want to be like everyone else, though i probably am in some respect. i like to be myself and stand out a little, but not too much. haha. i want a few tattoos. i want a few piercings. i dye my hair around every six weeks, its a wonder i have any left.

but no one cares about that, so moving right along.

in my spare time i don't do too much. i chill with people, talk to people on facebook and play music. i play piano, flute and bass. apparently i can sing too, but i always found people who are like "oh yeah, i totally sing :D" pretty annoying, and arrogant. i don't want to be annoying, or arrogant.

blah. i have absolutely nothing to say.

suggestions please. hah.

thats me. yeah.

laters, gators.