the moral debate.

to sell out, go against what i've always said, and make a youtube account for my music? or not too, and go for the far less popular myspace page.

MY GOODNESS. SOMEONE HELP ME. haha.

OR 

i don't want to be like justin bieber, or those people that record themselves in their rooms. gross.

but in all seriousness, i want opinions. haha. x

comments? :)

i'm not wearing shoes.

i sometimes feel a little misunderstood. it's totally okay with me, because i've been a little bit of a misfit my whole life, and snapping to normality at this point would feel stranger than my current strangeness. there are some subjects where people interpret what i say and what i think, totally different to what i mean. most of the time, i think its hilarious. people will often say "but didn't you say this?", and then i'll get to explain myself and laugh at them. however, it seems the subject that i can't change my explanation for, is the one i hold closest to me. love, that is.

some see me as a sap, others see me as "a romantically challenged brick". am i a brick? no, absolutely not, but like most things, i see the subject totally differently. 

i don't think i'm romantically challenged, but i don't believe in the type of love you see in movies. i'm sure that sometimes, for some people, the classic cliche romance occurs and they live happily ever after. the stories had to originate from somewhere, right? but its not for me. when i find my guy, i would hate our story to be told like a chick flick, i'd rather it be more similar to a low-budget indie movie, where everything is 'unconventional'. 

again, i'm sure this kind of unconventional romance happens for a lot of people, however i think the strange part doesn't lie within the setting, the timing, or even the conversations. it's all to do with the people. 

what do i like? a simple dude. he likes music. he likes fashion. he appreciates the finer things. he likes being an idiot, but can still be serious. he likes his space. he likes that i like mine. he wants to chill at the beach, but live in the city. he likes the fact i'm a little different. he'll want a disco light up floor in our basement ;D

i probably won't find this guy for quite a while, if at all. what i'm looking for could totally change when i find 'the right person'. the only thing that sucks is, every guy i've met like that, likes something totally different to me. i can deal with this, cause i'm chill like that. all i'm saying is, when i find this guy, who doesn't want a rich rake with massive babs and no sense of humour, or a buddhist who only wears harem pants and has long, flowing, wavy hair, but rather likes an offbeat girl who's curvy and doesn't really care about anything, i'll know its him. 

i'm looking forward to late starts on sunday mornings, in our simple room, with floorboards and dingy furniture. the room would be dark, but the suns beating down through the lace curtains and bringing a warmth to the room. 

i look forward to our crap-box VW breaking down in the middle of nowhere, on the way to a place we've never been. 

i look forward to making fun of successful business people, because we know that we'll get rich someday, and we'll build an empire out of.. cardboard. 

this has got to be why i haven't got someone, or why i never seem to be able to stick to one person. people are the way they are for a reason, whether that reason be for an occupation, or to compliment another soul. maybe no one likes me because i don't like them? or maybe i'm just too much of a 'brick' for their liking. but they're out there somewhere, and i'm good to wait around.

i'm totally cool with being a misfit. provided it means i don't have to wait til i'm like, fifty to get married. 

YEW! 

apologies in advance. for my ranting, that is.

i love being told how slack i am, and how i put absolutely no effort into anything. whatsoever. 
i don't care how true it is, some things just don't need to be heard, over, and over again. i don't need this stress, and none of it is my fault. i refuse to be compared to my friends and other family members, because i'm nothing like them, and you know this. it's not my fault that what appears (to you) to be my only skill is being a people person. 


i don't put effort into those things that are a waste of time, i refuse to spend my time doing something i hate constantly, and i know you agree. but really, is that a reason to pick a fight with me?  no. its not. 
did you pick a fantastic time to do it? no.


if i want to think i'm shit at something, that's fine, and if i chose to think so, i will, because i'm probably right. however your attitude towards the whole matter is appalling. i did nothing to bring this onto myself, you started it. i know it comes out of love, and i know you don't want to hurt me, but i do not need to be told i'm going nowhere with my goals because "i'm too lazy." 


thats absolute crap. just you wait, i'll show you who's fucking good. prepare to be surprised. 




i love life. no joke. i'm not depressed, i swear. these moments make it interesting, even though i hate them.


IN OTHER NEWS;           

• I have a massive headache.
• I'm taking up saxophone. 

See ya. x

get lost.

i want to go on an adventure, now. being home sick all week has been such a drag. i want some excitement to come my way. road trip anyone?! 

lets go nowhere and get lost. i love getting lost.

plans.

well then, i've been thinking about this all day, and to be honest i don't quite know what to make of all this, because i don't know what you're trying to pull, if you're trying to pull anything at all. i'm not angry at all, but i don't particularly want this hanging over my head. i'd kinda just dig honesty, from you, and from everyone else. just saying. SWEET!

oh and a little guilty confession, i think i'm falling in love with birds of tokyo, i never wanted this to happen.

DAMN!

the next five years.

i have a feeling the next five years of my life are going to be full of hard work, and full of fun, accomplishment, fear, new people, and new places.

in no particular order, this is what i wish to have accomplished by the end of 2015:

- remain alive. 
- quit my job at woolworths and get a steady job to save a decent amount of money so i can..
- get out of this place. canberra, you're not a very exciting place to live.
- move to sydney and attend hillsong international leadership college.
- become a church leader of sorts. preferably a worship leader, but i wouldn't mind being a youth pastor either.
- get into the conservatorium of music, or the australian institute of music. then maybe become a high school music teacher for some steady income.
- finish year twelve with a bang, and not v grade anything else.
- train myself to be more motivated to do things. i am terrible with self discipline, i need to stop procrastinating.
- not be so nervous about things regarding self appearance and performances. 
- find you. whoever you are. you've gotta be out there somewhere, but i'm obviously not gonna meet you here.
- spend less money on clothes and coffee.
- learn another instrument, either guitar or saxophone, i think.
- travel. scotland, england, germany, mexico, all around africa, peru, brazil, japan, denmark, france, italy. 
- build stronger relationships with people. 
- keep in touch with those who matter to me after i leave.

i'm sure i could add to this list, but that's basically it so far. i'll do what i can. i'm so psyched for this.

YEWW!

el, is for the way you look, at meee.

I don't know how to drag this out or how to make it as poetic as possible, or flow with intelligence, because I'm tired and drugged up on cold & flu tablets. All I want to say is that I'm in a pensive mood, and I feel like sometimes I'm searching for something that I'll never see. I hope that I will, but right now? Nope. Great huh.

vieve.

gen. she's at my house. she's sitting behind me. now she's standing. she's making me laugh. she wrote me a song in year nine. she showed it to me tonight. i laughed, really, really hard. it was pretty crap. 

NO OFFENSE. HAH!

so yeah. thats my life story.

i have the hiccups. ouch.

thats her on the left. if you're reading this, you probably already know that.

my how i miss my platinum hair. EFF.

LATERS.

stronger.

everything is slowly starting to come together. i have found my place, and i know where i'm going. i've been shown that i can do greater things beyond belief, and though it may have been on a small scale, i know that with god, i am capable. i've been given the confidence i needed, and now no one elses opinions matter but his.

 there is nothing more exciting than this. if only the next 16 months would fly by, so it can all begin.

i've never been so psyched for anything in my entire life. 

this is achievable, and i don't care what others may say. i can do this.

AWWHHH YEE-UH!

for you, for me.

my life until this point, and for forevermore, revolves around music. often i come across these strange little moments in time where this concept hits me harder at home than usual, but today in particular my love for music was reawakened.

music is something that can bring out the best, and the worst in us. it can make us feel emotion like nothing else can. when i play, nothing else matters to me, and i never feel lonely next to a piano, as idiotic as it may sound. music is all i can think about. skill level doesn't matter, just an understanding and a love for tunes. a simple chord progression, a melody, the echo coming from the sustain pedal on a grand piano, an amazing voice, can take something simple we may feel every day, and magnify it x100.

when you think you've forgotten someone, something, or a moment in time, music will bring it back stronger than before, and its always when you never expect it. today, after hearing the right song at a time when i was ready to accept the way things were, i was moved to tears and i couldn't explain why. since, i have been mellow and pensive, but also excited and on edge. i just want something to happen. to go somewhere, or meet someone. i want to experience life and love to its fullest. 

the song made me feel a love. i don't believe it's for the person i heard it from, but rather it came from my passion for music. it feels like love for a person i am yet to meet, or maybe i just really miss that person who played us the song, its quite difficult to tell. musicians are strange, a little twisted, and temperamental. i'm truly blessed to be twisted.

Clicky -->  "To Build a Home - The Cinematic Orchestra"

"..this is a place where i don't feel alone. this is a place where i feel at home.."

things are a'changin.

to say things simply, people change. i've changed. my old friends have changed, and when you don't change together, things get a little awkward. people get angry, and say things they shouldn't. 


i don't know if i should feel bad that i can't relate to the same people anymore, or just move on to places where i fit. i don't mind though, keeps life interesting :)

dunno what this is AYE.

sight. scent. sound.

like. love. loss.

ring. rounded. rose.

friends. failure. fear.

ignorance. imperfections. inevitable. 

thought. time. today.

us. until. understood.

breath. broad. brave.

you. young. yes.

this ones a tough one.