thirty one.

nye. 

perhaps one of my favourite days of the year, despite it being the last. i suppose i love it for a number of reasons. the people around you are always people you actually want to be with. there seems to be an endless supply of excellent beverages. you know everyone is sending out 'happy new year!' texts because your network is behaving like it has to climb everest in five minutes, and it annoys you, but reminds you everyone has someone to love. personally, its one of my best friends birthdays :D there are fireworks around the city, and there are fireworks on your tv screen. every year you expect it to get better, but always end up saying 'nah, last years were cooler.'. the ten second count down, followed by the explosion of arms being thrown up into the air and a unanimous shout of those famous words. then the hugs, and the punches on the arm, even though thats not really new years eve.

i just love new years, and the excitement that comes with it. yay!

HAPPY NEW YEAR :D

oh and to you gen, happy birthday :)

no more turning away.

i need to get out, i think. i should help somehow.

amazing. good one pink floyd.

syndicate.

'halfway around the world, lies the one thing that you want..'

..or in my case, the majority of what i want.

adventureexperiencefriendslovegodachangeofscenery

thats all i want.

my favourite five.

YEAH BABY.

(in no particular order, because i can never say how i really feel face to face)

these people are great:

• one beautiful girl who i love to absolute pieces. puts up with me. was there for me at my lowest point. is still here at my highest. acts as immaturely as me, and still loves llama jokes. has a cute fashion sense, and is always up for a little jungle madness ;) life wouldn't be the same without her. though i usually spend my time telling her how stupid she is (which she's not, haha), i really do love her, and i hope she knows that. she is a truly remarkable person.
• one incredibly talented, caring, and pretty lady who understands my mind like her own (for the majority of the time, haha). she's incredibly caring and empathetic, and has come such a long way in the last few months, she probably doesn't realise just how proud i am ;) i love her. i always have, shes always been there for me, and what more could i ask for in such a wonderful person?
• one amazing boy with the imagination and the intelligence higher than most i've met. caring when its due, never shy to share his true opinions, and always able to make me laugh. whenever i'm down on myself, hes always quick to shut me up, and for his faithfulness to me, i'm pretty greatful :)
• one lovely, and very tall man who has stuck by me despite my occasional bitchy outbursts and opinionated comments. someone who's open, strong, hilarious, intelligent, and is always up for a gossip, cause really, he's a big girl :P he's truly amazing, and despite our differences, i couldn't ask for a better friend.
• one guy who's changed me and helped me grow as a person in ways he probably hasn't realised. someone who's seen me looking absolutely disgusting and hasn't paid me out, but will tell me i look pretty when i think i look like shit, hah. hes funny, incredibly understanding, patient, amazingly gifted and caring. i love him :D

these five people have impacted me greatly. i actually can't imagine life without them. its funny how you end up being so close with the people you never thought you would've. but i'm damn happy i know them.

see guys. i'm not as insensitive as i appear ;D x

...but really, i love you.

he even speaks through the internet. crazy.

no joke. i just hit 'next blog' a total of 36 times and came across 36 Christ-Centred blogs. 

naturally, being a christian and all, I can't help but believe this is some sort of indicator to me from God, saying i should probably start complaining less on my blog, and maybe focussing more on my beliefs.

i actually have no idea. i just couldn't believe what i was seeing. far out. haha.

you walk with me through fire.

My God has just fixed me.

I can sense a long, spiritual journey commencing, but I'm sure it will all be worth it.

Its amazing what prayer and sticking it out through the rough can achieve. 

Though right now I may feel a little weak, I know He's strong.

Its time to let go, stop pretending, and rely on His grace.

I'm actually so amazed by what has just taken place in my spirit. 

NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR YOU

thats right.

I GOT MY FECKING BONES BACK. 

FECK YEAH.

in other news. its december, the best month of the year.

zero school. maximum happiness.

I'M SO EXCITED.

christmas eve. christmas. new years eve.

i don't even care that its raining on the first day of summer. its the closest we'll get to a white christmas.

EEP! what could be better?!?! 

flight number.

theres something about airports that stirs up many thoughts and emotions within me.

people arriving. people rushing. people tripping over when they run over newly mopped floor. people yelling at the people behind the counter. people ordering coffee. people buzzing in security. people leaving. families splitting. couples coming back together. people. everywhere.

the excitement within the walls is almost tangible. makes me want to travel, and maybe never come back. i become a different person when i'm there, and my mood can change in a split second, despite the fact that generally, i'm pretty emotionless. i never miss people when i know i'll see them again, but then there's fear that i won't, or something will happen to them, even though i know it'll be fine.

i love going to airports. they prove to me i'm a normal, feeling person.

this is a gift. it comes with a price.

here i am. a rabbit hearted girl, frozen in the headlights..

..i must become a lionhearted girl, ready for a fight.

baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth.

this song is amazing. and the film clip makes me unbelievably happy. well done katy :D haha

butterfly.

this song is actually incredible. i'm going to learn guitar over the summer, so i can sing it, and play it, and be cool and chill. because i'm cool. and chill.

but seriously. i'm in love with it. listen.

my friends are damn good film makers.

i have god. thus, i automatically win.

i'm not scared. 

bring it, bitches.

ding ding ding. round one.

and so it begins. tomorrow. the one week challenge of a lifetime. 

JESS AND HANNAH vs GENEVIEVE AND THE MALES

bring it on. thats what i have to say.

its time to get into that "one week or nothing" mentality.

i'm psyched. not gonna lie.

YEE-UH!

who could resist these babes?

back on a roll. diggin.

This song summarises everything i've decided in the last two days. I can't explain how good it feels to get rid of all this stuff I don't need. Bring it on, I say! :D


(oh yeah. youtube wouldn't let me embed, dammit. so here's a picture of him ;) and a link instead)

CLICK HERE TO EXPERIENCE THE AMAZINGNESS THAT IS JOHN MAYER

"Welcome to the real world", she said to me

Condescendingly

Take a seat

Take your life

Plot it out in black and white

Well I never lived the dreams of the prom kings

And the drama queens

I'd like to think the best of me

Is still hiding

Up my sleeve

They love to tell you

Stay inside the lines

That something's better

On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school

I wanna scream at the

Top of my lungs

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

just a lie you've got to rise above

So the good boys and girls take the so called right track

Faded white hats

Grabbing credits

Maybe transfers

They read all the books but they can't find the answers

And all of our parents

They're getting older

I wonder if they've wished for anything better

While in their memories

Tiny tragedies

They love to tell you

Stay inside the lines

But something's better

On the other side

I wanna run through the halls of my high school

I wanna scream at the

Top of my lungs

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

Just a lie you got to rise above

I am invincible (x3)

As long as I'm alive

I wanna run through the halls of my high school

I wanna scream at the

Top of my lungs

I just found out there's no such thing as the real world

Just a lie you've got to rise above

I just can't wait til my 10 year reunion

I'm gonna bust down the double doors

And when I stand on these tables before you

You will know what all this time was for

please? :D

if someone wanted to win me over with a song, this would be the way to go about it.

running.

about two minutes ago, i came to the realisation that though i feel as though i'll never fit in anywhere, i am who i am for a reason, and i should really just embrace it.

i'm not talking about the external, but the things that really matter. anyone who knows me well, knows that i'll never stop complaining about the way i look, and i have my reasons for that, but when i look past everything, and look at who i really am, i'm going to force myself to be content.

one thing i'm not is compassionate, however i make up for this in humour, because i'll try to make light of a situation in doing so.

i'm not hardworking, and i lack in motivation a lot of the time, however i am a perfectionist. 

i'm not loud, but i'm definitely not quiet.

i'm not obnoxious, but i have a decent level of confidence.

i'm a realist, not a pessimist. 

i'm artistic, not inventive.

i'm a lover, though not romantic.

i'm sarcastic, not a bitch.

i'm not a liar, but i'm not going to hurt you.

i'm a christian, not religious.

i don't fit in, but someday i will.

i've got one year left before everything i've waited for begins. the sooner i accept these things, the sooner i'll find home. i tell you what, i love knowing i was made me for a reason. most of the time.

for some reason, the word 'running' really motivates me.

you BLANKED a fever in me.

i've been sick before, nothing like this, i swore, the room started spinning..

.. i make my way back to the beginning.

lack of sleep.

if i relaxed, would i be able to sleep properly?
if i was honest with myself, would i be a happier person?
if i swap to accredited, will i regret it?
if i dropped out, would i lose contact with my friends all together?
if i was more open about my faith, would i be more persecuted, or looked up to?


when i move to sydney, will people accept me?
will i be able to cope with the level of study?
will i miss people?
will they miss me?


do i need to change myself?
do people see me as fake?
do i see myself as fake?
do i need to plan things better?


i'm going to win this, and i'm going to win it on my knees.
i need a damn good sleep. i'm not enjoying stress and fatigue.
but i'm actually very happy. promise.

the best of times.

this song is pretty fecking fantastic, as rap goes.

yeah! woo!

seven things that are pissing me off today 

one. i look like freakin shit and all my clothes looked bad on me this morning for some outrageous reason.


two. i am not the only person that lives in this house, and thus i am not the only person that makes all the mess around the place. 


three. i am not bisexual. i wish everyone would stop being like "you so are". 


four. the fact i have to put in effort with everyone if i want any friends at all.


five. work.


six. school work.


seven. the fact that no one likes me because i'm not a tall stick figure woman. i'm curvier than a lot of chicks, deal with it, superficial jerks.


and if you're reading this blog because you're a subscriber, than its none of you. worry not. 


K BYE :)

i want a change. now.

i love my life. though sometimes, i wish it were different.

world record for 'shortest relationship'

David says: (12:52:48 AM)
so this is gonna seem a bit out of the blue


David says: (12:52:51 AM)
but you'll pick it up


David says: (12:52:54 AM)
you wanna go out?

David says: (12:52:57 AM)
(say yes)


David says: (12:52:59 AM)
lol


Jessica. says: (12:53:11 AM)
yes, yes i do.


David says: (12:53:15 AM)
well TOO BAD


David says: (12:53:19 AM)
cause i DUMP you


Jessica. says: (12:53:21 AM)
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA


David says: (12:53:30 AM)
how do you feel now?


David says: (12:53:30 AM)
haha


Jessica. says: (12:53:40 AM)
excellent.




gotta love being dumped by your guy best friend..

where is home?

one of my favourite words: home.

noun

1. the place where a person (or family) lives; one's dwelling place; specif.,
   1. the house, apartment, etc. where one lives or is living temporarily; living quarters
   2. the region, city, state, etc. where one lives
2. the place where one was born or reared; one's own city, state, or country
3. a place thought of as home; specif.,
1. a place where one likes to be; restful or congenial place
2. the grave

adjective

1. of home or a home; specif.,
1. of the family, household, etc.; domestic
2. of one's country, government, etc.; domestic
3. of or at the center of activity or operations
2.  reaching its goal; effective; forceful; to the point: a home truth

i love the idea of home. i love going away, and being homesick, as it makes me appreciate home so much more. they say 'home is where the heart is', and so my home is not in a building in the middle of suburban canberra. my home isn't where i was born, and it isn't where i've lived and become attached to. my home isn't at my friends' houses. my home isn't in a church building. my home isn't on the road, at the beach, or in a big city. my home is in me. its with the people, and the things i love.

i don't need a location, though i'd love to find a place where i feel truly at home, because canberra is not obviously it. i just need my friends, my family, my god, and some music. nothing more. throw me in a cardboard box for all i care.

my family forever accepts me, whether i fail at what i do, or succeed with flying colours. they accept my differences, ideas, wants and needs, and still love me just the same. my mother, father, and brother are truly amazing people. they're my home, filled with a love that doesn't need to be verbalised.

my true friends accept me for who i am, despite my constant loud outbursts and negative tendencies. they don't care how i dress, and they don't care what i'm into. they only care that i care about them, and i feel the same. i love them, and so over the years, they've become my home.

my home lies with god, who will never, ever let me down. even though i screw up constantly and sometimes neglect him, he still loves me, and his love will never fail. 

my home is with my music, it'll make me dance like crazy even though i know full-well i can't dance for the life of me. it can change my mood instantly. it can make me both love, and hate something. i feel at home next to a piano, behind a bass, blowing over a flute mouthpiece, and singing at the top of my lungs, no matter how out of key it may be. it makes me feel amazing.

i don't need a knitted blanket from my grandma, a nice cup of tea and a comfy chair in a nice little room to feel warm and cosy in my house. just the people and things i need. whats a home without love?

i'm gonna run away pretty soon, and i don't know where i'm going, but i know i'm going to learn a lot. i'll be far from home, with long highways, and potentially oceans between us. its a scary thought, but an amazing thought, and i can't wait for it all to begin. i expect that i'll be a starving student with hardly enough money to scrape by, but i love knowing that i'm going to make it some day, and prove a heap of people wrong.

so where is home? for me, nowhere really. nowhere in the physical. i like it that way. 

i can't wait to build my own home. wherever, and whoever it may be with.

oh, and below are two of my favourite songs ever. enjoy. they go with my little home theme!  :D

sweet tooth.

i like following trends. i also like hating them.

i like some people, i dislike others.

i like some music, i hate some.

i fall in love when i choose, and ignore it when i feel like it.

sometimes i like photos, sometimes i hate them.

sometimes i wish i was different, but most of the time i don't.
I LIKE LOLLIES. but some taste bad, so i don't eat them.

i dig my life, and i like the fact i can make whatever choices i want. 

freedom is the bomb.

my life, is very much, a 

pick 'n' mix 

counter.

so many flavours. shit yeah.

i just wanted to make a lolly reference, okay?

trying.

i'm trying to be a better person, and part of this is trying to be a better friend. and i try really hard to make you feel appreciated. though i may not verbalise it, i still try through my actions, and so when people never return the favour, or don't want to listen to me, or don't make an effort to contact me, and then expect me to be there in a second, yeah. that really pisses me off.

i'm not angry, and i'm not singling anyone out either. i already know that i'm kind of different to everyone and so people probably don't like me that much, but i always have to put in the effort if i want any form of human contact whatsoever. i could deal with this if people put in an effort with me once in a while, but this hardly ever happens.

feeling like this makes things hard for me, i kind of already have enough things to deal with.
apologies, i don't mean to offend. i think i'm having one of my pre-migraine-blindness mood swings. i'm going to bed. night.

my vision.

so heres the bridge of a ccc song i just found. i heard it at an encounter service about two months ago, and its been running through my mind frequently. its pretty much my vision, i dig a fair bit. yeop.

i see a new day arising 

a church undivided 

we won’t be silent 

we lay down selfish desires 

the things that divide us 

we won’t be silent.

meine Freunde.

YO. WERRRRD UP.

so here's something i always wanted to say, despite my lack of expression when it comes to the way i feel about such things as affection.

i've never really tried to write something nice about friends before, and i'm feeling in credibly sappy already, wayhey!!

so to my friends; i love you. and i shouldn't need to name you for you to know who you are. there are a few of you who have been there for me without fail from the day i met you. you are truly the most beautiful people i know, and as i get older, i'm realising who my true friends are, and i never want to lose you. 

i know that friendships come and go, but i just can't imagine living without knowing you people. you guys have impacted me more than you'll ever know. you don't have to do anything massive and life-saving for me to appreciate you, but just be there.  there are so many qualities in you that i wish i could have, however i'm sure that i met you so you could make up for my lack of whatever you're strong in. i really, really admire you. 

it sometimes amazes me how you people can put up with me like you have. i take forever to get ready and i hold everyone up. i can be a little highly strung from time to time. i'll keep myself chill, sometimes too chill, until one single thing pisses me off, and i'll rant and rant and rant until i run out of breath. i'm scared of ridiculous things. i am incredibly lazy, even when i have people over. i get excited about things that won't come to pass for years, and i won't stop talking about them. i always run late to every social occasion - guaranteed. i talk about things you probably don't care about. through all of this, you stay around. you are amazing, legit.

so here's what i dig about you. you guys know who you are. hah.

you're caring.

you're strong.

you're intelligent.

you're understanding.

you're empathetic.

you're talented.

you're a protector. 

you're self sacrificing.

you're reliable.

you're beautiful in every way possible.

you're hilarious.

you're retarded :D

you're eccentric.

you have impeccable taste in music.

you're loving.

you're trustworthy.

you ladies see me at my worst, at my best, at my most irresponsible, at my fattest ;D and at my most psycho. i dig. you men keep me entertained by arguing like a married couple the whole time we're together, and will do anything for me. 

you're amazing haha. i have really got to stop using that word. ergh.

so yep, thats pretty much it. i guess i just wanted to say thanks for everything, and thanks in advance. i know we only have like, a year of school left and then we'll all be leaving to various places, but i'm pretty sure we'll still be homies. hah. 

i'm feeling well sappy now. this is so not me. but i feel bad receiving your compliments all the time and never returning the favour. i struggle, you know how i am, hahaha.

ILOVEYOUKBYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE :D